No rain

I have always liked the rain. The tiny pitter patters changing to heavy drops on the skylight over my bed that I would listen to as I fell asleep. The crisp freshness that the world takes on after the rain is over. This is how I remember the rain in Maryland as I was growing up. When we moved to Charlotte, North Carolina, the rain took on a whole new face. Spring brought deluges of rain down upon us that soaked the ground until it spilled over because it could not take any more. The gentle little stream near our house turned into a raging river as its flooded waters spilled onto backyards nearby. It was beautiful but terrifying at the same time. Greenness blossomed everywhere from these rains. Now that we are in El Paso, it is rare that we see the rain. There are over 300 days of sunshine here. I never thought that I would miss it as much as I do. The desert has a unique beauty in its dryness, in the flowers on the cactuses, in the shades of beige that surround us. But sometimes I miss the rain.

Today a friend sent me a message on facebook. I have received many touching messages from friends the past few weeks following Rachel's death but in this message, my friend asked if I had heard of a song called "I will carry you (Audrey's song)" by the group Selah. The title of it sounded slightly familiar but I was not sure why. I went onto itunes and looked up the song. I admit that I have never been into Christian music except for a brief period of time as a teenager so I had not heard of the song or the group before this. I played an excerpt of the song and then bought the whole album. Tears rolled down my face as I listened to it because surely the song was meant for someone like me.

Someone who had lost their precious baby.

There had to be a story behind it.

After a bit of searching, I found the website. "Bring the rain" is a website created by Angie Smith, the wife of one of the members of the group Selah. The website was started after she received the news that their baby Audrey probably would not survive long after birth.

It was my story too.

The one exception being that they had turned to God during the worst time in their lives and I had turned away.

Somehow, reading their story and listening to that song was what I needed to take a tiny, tentative step back toward God. I have always thought I had a pretty good relationship with God but since the day of the ultrasound, I have been angry with Him. I will carry you is about a mother carrying her child but it is also about God carrying the mother. Maybe I will let Him carry me too.

A year gone by

It has been a really long time since I have written here. More than a year actually and so much has happened. There is so much to say and yet, I have not been able to find the time or the words or even the energy to do so. I thought I would start up again and that perhaps by writing in this blog, it would be a way to heal. For as most of you know, our beautiful daughter Rachel died. She would have been a month old today. I can't believe it really. Any of it. It all seems so completely unreal to me even though it has been almost 4 weeks since she died.

Although I seem to have more "normal" moments (whatever that is now), I continue to feel like I am walking around in a daze. Like a zombie mother. I get up, help the boys get ready for school, feed them breakfast, make their lunches...all things I used to do but now it is all different. I suppose nothing will ever be the same for me. The other day, we were driving somewhere and I found a dry cleaners receipt and I started to cry because when I had dropped the clothes off, I had been pregnant. Now I was not pregnant and I had no baby. The grief just engulfed me for a moment. Those moments happen quite frequently I must admit. Everything for me has become "before Rachel" and "after Rachel" when I reference things in my head. Never could I have imagined that I would be experiencing a pain so raw and so deep one year ago. I read a very poignant article in a recent issue of JAMA (a medical journal) which was titled "The Before." The physician basically talked about giving a patient the diagnosis of cancer and how the patient gets the bad news, everything becomes divided into before/after. Having given bad news like that to many patients myself, I have now been on both sides of "The Before." Neither side is easy but being on the receiving end of that life changing moment has forever changed me.

Sloppy Daddy's (aka Sloppy Joe's)

Hello and Happy New Year to everyone. I have, as usual, been lax in keeping up with this blog. I promise to post some current pictures of everyone soon but until I get my new computer hooked up to the hard drive with the pix, that will have to wait.

Recent happenings with Team Nelson have included

• Ken going to San Antonio for the Captain's Career Course and leaving me with the boys for 2 weeks
• A visit from Mamama in early December
• Christmas and all its fun
• Visit from Nonni and PapPap after Christmas
• Skiing in Santa Fe
• Opening of the new practice this past week (finally!)

Needless to say, this past week has been crazy busy with my associate (the other general surgeon sharing the office with me) getting to El Paso and us getting the office up and running as well as Ken being away in DC for a conference. UGH! Hopefully this week will run a little smoother. All the boys are napping right now so I thought it the perfect time to write a little bit. I have finally gotten some cleaning done and am doing laundry load #3 of who knows how many left to do!

My new favorite website is weelicious.com which features really yummy food that is kid-friendly. This was the source of the recipe for "Sloppy Joes" that I made for lunch today and I thought nothing of it until the boys came inside from playing in the sandbox and Joe asked me "What is for lunch today, Mommy?" I answered, "Sloppy Joes" to which he said, "YUCK! I don't like Sloppy Joes!" I was very confused since I have never made this before. The boys went to the bathroom to clean up and since Joe was upset, Ken probed further to see what was wrong. Turns out Joe thought we were going to eat HIM for lunch!!! So..........we all decided that the best name for the meal would be "Sloppy Daddy's" and that is what we had for lunch! DOn't you just love kids???

Is the Hallmark company on drugs?

Ok, so I know that it is a random question, but if you have seen the latest Hallmark commercial for Christmas, you know what I am talking about. For those of you who don't, let me paint a picture for you.......

A cute little girl, about 7 or 8 years old, is sitting next to the Christmas tree next to her dog Fluffy. She gazes at the tree adoringly and says "15 days, 22 hours, 10 minutes and 15 seconds until Christmas!"

Next scene....little girl is with parents in the mall somewhere wandering around..."7 days, 10 hours, 30 minutes and 22 seconds until Christmas"

The brat is then somewhere else doing who knows what and is saying "3 days, 4 hours, 24 minutes, and 2 seconds until Christmas.!!!!!

I just thank the sweet baby Jesus that my kids are too freakin young to understand this commercial because by jove, whomever thought of this is the DEVIL! Why yes, I think it would be a great idea, to have an ornament that counts down the days, hours, minutes, and YES, even seconds, until Christmas!!!!!! DO you have any kids????? Don't they do this anyway???!?!?!?!?!
Joe is only 3 years old and wakes up every day and asks "Is it Christmas today?" and he doesn't even really understand the whole thing except that it seems good and there may be presents! UGH. I have a new loathing for Hallmark and will boycott the store at least until Christmas is over!!!!!!

Deck the Halls

I love Christmas and everything about it! Since Ken was abandoning me for two weeks (also known as the EVIL Captain's Career Course), we decided to get the tree right after Thanksgiving! There aren't tree lots everywhere like we are used to, probably because this is the desert, however, Home Depot was able to provide us with a nice specimen. The boys ran around trying to pull trees down on themselves and generally be crazy people but we managed to get them all home (boys AND trees) in one piece. We decided to get little baby trees for the boys room too so their room could be festive as well. It also gave them something to decorate without Mommy's stamp of approval.These baby trees look nice!
Daddy presents the next potential Nelson tree for our appraisal
Why can't you just pick a tree, Mommy??

Thomas is getting so grown up!
Mommy sporting a new haircut

Tata helped put up the many ornaments that we have and despite their being no snow, it was just like being back in Maryland. There were a few mishaps and breaking of glass ornament balls, but nothing too disastrous. Now comes the job of decorating the rest of the house while Ken is gone. I will let you know how that goes......

Look at my tree!

A day in the life

I will admit that even on the best of days, I have never been the most TIMELY of gals, shall we say. Many of my beloved friends will even refer to me as being "late" many of the time. HOWEVER, this being said, nothing can make a person more late or crazier than trying to get herself, two toddlers and a baby out of the door in a timely manner every morning. Well, not without forgetting to do at least one thing or leaving something that you probably needed.

Here is a typical morning for us. Today started off earlier than usual so you would think that would help things move smoother. By earlier, I mean that William was up since 5 am and Tom since 4 am. Ken was up with Tom and then poked me awake to join in the fun at 5 am since he had to get ready for work.

Breakfast went better than normal. Only a little bit of crying and minimal oatmeal in Tom's hair. I had forgotten (too tired actually) to make lunches last night so I made lunches, fixed Will's bottles and packed everything up. So far, so good. On to getting dressed. A few discarded t-shirts and the demand for jeans satisfied, we then went to dress William. What a cute outfit! Oh no! Will threw up on it and me. Change the outfit and put on a new one. No time to shower now, so put on some clothes and make face look somewhat decent.

Now, time to try to herd the turtles (a phrase I have borrowed from a favorite website, "Rants from Mommyland"-- check it out, it is really funny!) to the car. This is really the most difficult part as there is much difficulty in achieving this advance to the minivan. Once strapped in, I check that everyone is in and then "we're off!"

I get to school/daycare, unbuckle everyone and plant Joe and Tom on the sidewalk while I get Will out in his carseat along with the 2 bags full to the brim with backpacks/lunches/stuff that I seem to have to lug every day. I drag myself, baby and bags to the door of school with Joe and Tom straggling behind and *hope* that someone else makes it there first so they can hold the door open for the crazy lady with all the kids and bags. I must truly be a sight since most people seem to rush to the door and say "let me help you..." Anyhow...drop everyone off then realize I forgot the thermoses. AGAIN. Like for the third time in a row. UGH! I even have a checklist so I don't forget these things!

All of this happening of course while I have not even started officially working yet. I am only setting up my practice and doing all the legwork for that. Oh, and getting my house in order. Yeah, right. Somehow, 4 pm comes along and all I feel I have accomplished is

1. Pump 2x (on good days)
2. Start laundry
3. Make a few phone calls regarding job and fill out neverending paperwork
4. Check email
5. Eat lunch
6. Shower (sometimes)

That is not a very efficient use of time and it begs the question, "what in the heck am I going to do once I really start working???" Not a pretty thought but one that pops into my head a bit. Well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. For now though, I have some time during the day to get at least SOME stuff accomplished for work without little dancing monkeys at my side.

A Toy Story Halloween, Part 3, Final Chapter

Halloween day had arrived.

With the move and unpacking, we did not do our usual decorating of the house, but Ken put out a few tombstones on the lawn and a snake on our doorstep for a bit of Halloween spirit. We had asked Nonni (Ken's mom who along with Pap Pap, Ken's dad, was in town visiting us) to make her mom's famous spaghetti sauce for us. This meant that a lot of the afternoon was spent working on it since it required a lot of prep work. Dinner got pushed back further than I had anticipated so by 6 pm we were eating but saw that the trick or treating had begun.

ARRRRGGHH! Although I had bought all the pieces for Ken's "Bullseye" costume, I had only put together part of it! I had planned to make him ears to go along with the mane and tail I had cut from felt but in the end, the ears were pretty sorry looking. Nonni ended up pinning the ears to the brown skiing hood Ken had produced from God knows where (he sometimes just appears with things that I never knew we had despite this being the 3rd time we have moved and unpacked things together. Funny, isn't it?) The hood worked great in any case and after safety pinning the mane to the hood and the tail to the backside of the brown sweat pants, he was good to go.

Oh, no.........WAIT!! Joe found the plastic donkey mouth we had from last year's Eeyore costume and proclaimed that Bullseye just HAD to wear it. EGADS! As usual, Ken agreed and he was ready to go. Buzz Lightyear did not fare as well and was crying hysterically that he did not want to get dressed up. Not that it really mattered. I mean, did he really care that I had spent hours calling Halloween stores and scouring Walmarts and Targets in search for the elusive 2T size Buzz lightyear costume? In truth, it serves no purpose to fight a toddler if he doesn't want to wear a costume so he agreed to put on his jacket and we were ready to go.

Just imagine Thomas in a Buzz lightyear costume....

Bullseye and the boys. I think we should have made a big bullseye for his chest as I don't think anyone knew who Ken was portraying.

I read in another blog of parents that carry handy little "to-go" cups filled with tasty adult beverages while their kids make the neighborhood rounds. However, with 3 kids under the age of 4, I thought it borderline irresponsible to do that....hmmm, maybe next year when Joe is 4!

The boys in action....

We managed to keep Joe and Tom walking for our entire jaunt around the neighborhood (which was basically down to the end of the street then back up) but had to take turns carrying the quite heavy Rex. Interestingly, ALL the neighbors seemed to know who we were yet we had not met any of them. Hmmmmmmm. A bit strange...... Despite having no costume, Tom scored lots of candy and both boys had half-filled plastic pumpkins by the end. Of course this was when Joe piped up, "But we have to fill them all the way to the top!" Curse those Little Einsteins and their Halloween special. Those of you who are forced to watch these annoying little children ride around the world on "missions" know what I am talking about. And for those who don't, just call yourselves lucky. On a sidenote, I actually had to ban Mickey Mouse Clubhouse from being an available choice (they get to watch one show a day, usually in the morning while I am feeding Will) when I realized that I had seen the episodes more than once. While I will allow that repetition is good for kids to learn with things like reading "Fix it Duck" a hundred times in a row or doing puzzles, it is definitely not good with cartoons! At least not for the crazed mother who is watching the hot dog dance for the millionth time!

Anyway, I digress......after the trick or treating, there was much happiness with all the candy that was collected and eagerness to eat it all once we got home. They were each allowed to choose one piece before heading off to get a bath with Nonni and Pap Pap. Thomas chose a HUGE lollipop which horrified Nonni but we grinned and said 'BYE!' and raced out the door to catch a movie for Date Night (an almost forgotten ritual with us now that we have no free babysitters, aka grandparents or Aunt Ann, on a regular basis.)

We had fun during our movie date and came home to bliss.....three sleeping children and a clean kitchen. YES! What a nice end to a truly funny and chaotic Halloween. I can only imagine what Joe has in store for me for next year. Not to mention, by then, Thomas will be able to contribute to the madness as well! I am ready for whatever they throw my way! Hoo-wah!