After losing Rachel, the world stopped for me. It seems strange that despite this, everything around me keeps going on as normal. Of course, I didn't expect otherwise but for me, everything takes an enormous amount of effort. Sometimes the cloud lifts for me and I can experience some moments that are not heavy with grief but it always lingers there in the background.
I was washing dishes this morning (I have not started work yet) and thought that perhaps I will go back next week since I am finally starting to feel restless. I finally feel like I want to be doing something. Most days, I am happy to get the boys to school and read for a little bit. Not having the motivation to do anything is a foreign concept for someone like me who always has a project or something going on. Today, I decided I would finally start working on the picture frame collage of Rachel that I have been meaning to do.
As I started sorting the pictures, I thought, "Wow, I miss her but I can actually look at the pictures without crying."
This lasted for maybe 5 minutes and then I started crying. Remembering the moments that we had with her. Wishing that I had taken this picture or that picture. Feeling the familiar ache in my empty arms that long to hold her. Looking at how beautiful and tiny she was.
She would have been 6 weeks old tomorrow. It feels like I lost her yesterday.
Sometimes I wonder how long will I feel this way? Will I always crumble into tears when I look at pictures of her? I am hopeful that I am making some steps forward in healing but it is difficult to put all my faith in God when all I want to do is shout at him for not doing anything to save my precious girl. As I have searched the internet for groups dealing with infant loss, I have found that there are so many parents that have had to go through this, whether it is a miscarriage, stillborn, or a loss like we had. I wonder why so many have to go through such a terrible thing? Having a child die is something I wish that no parent would have to go though. We expect to some day bury our grandparents and even our parents but not our children. Some people have told me, "You have your boys to think of!" Its true, we have 3 wonderful boys and I thank God every day for them but they will never ease the pain of losing Rachel.
The one thing I keep going back to - the one thing I know for sure in my heart is that I do not regret any decision we made about continuing the pregnancy. We knew that we might not have her for very long, but we were able to love her fully for the time that she was here in this world. Loving her means that she took a piece of me with her when she died.
Sweet baby Rachel, I will miss you for the rest of my life until I see you again in heaven. Mommy loves you.